Not everything goes the way we want it to, I know for a fact that we all relate to that because this is how life is. Thing is, this is inevitable, and you will sometimes face undesired consequences, whether they are minor—like not getting the job you’ve always wanted—or major—like losing a loved one. So, if it’s inevitable and normal, why are we still so obsessed with wanting everything to go our way? Why do we still get upset when they don’t? Well, that’s because we want to control the uncontrollable. In this article, we will be talking about how to let go of control and be ok with anything life throws our way.
What is Control?
You might ask what I mean by control. For starters, control means wanting to be in charge of the future and present as well as deciding what results you want in that period. When it doesn’t go your way even with all this planning, you get extremely disappointed. You may even start playing the victim and complain about your bad luck. You begin to wonder “Why is this happening to me?.” Believe it or not, we bring this onto ourselves, myself included. Every day, we think we can control every event in our life when in reality, we can’t.
Craving Control
So, why do we like to be in control? Wanting control can stem from a lot of things. One of the most common triggers is that we all hate uncertainty and the unknown, therefore our brain works to minimize this lack of certainty by thinking of backup plans. Simply put, we think if we have control, then we risk less.
Additionally, many of us are also scared of the past repeating itself (traumatic events) so we start controlling the future in hopes of living a better life. Maybe you’ve been cheated on before and that’s why you’re so picky about who you date now, but in reality, this is only keeping you from living a great life.
According to PsychCentral, it could also be a result of the environment you grew up in. For example, having absent parents may have led to you facing unpredictable situations where you had to always guess what was going to happen next, forcing you to deal with unexpected situations.
Downsides of Trying to Be in Control
An interesting fact about wanting to be in control of your life events is that it actually brings on anxiety. How? Anxiety is usually triggered when you think of the future or the past. Maybe you’re thinking about everything that has to be done 2 months from now or you keep remembering a terrifying incident that happened on a flight in the past, which now makes you fear flying altogether.
Exercise: Reflect on something you always try to avoid and try to remember a time in the past when you had a negative experience with it. Remind yourself that just because it happened before doesn’t mean it will happen again. Journal through it if it helps.
We can conclude from the previous example that wanting to control everything can cause you to miss out on a lot of the beautiful things that life can offer you. Additionally, wanting to control everything can also leak into your relationships, whether that’s your kids, friends, or partner. You’re so caught up in the details that you let worry and fear to control you and eventually suffocate those around you.
Maybe you’ve done some things in the past that you don’t want your kids to do. Boom! Control! Even though you have good intentions, you’re only pushing your kids away from you. Guess what, your kids are not perfect and will still make mistakes, but you should be supporting them when they do, not the other way around. Making mistakes is how they will grow and learn. Encourage that. But don’t get me wrong; I do believe that morals (like respecting others) should always be taught.
”Every emotion we have is self-created by the degree of resistance of our current reality”
–Hal Elrod, #1 Best-Selling Author
Benefits of Letting Go of Control
Letting go comes with many benefits that lead to better relationships and a better quality of life. Some of these blessings include:
Better Performance
Letting go leads to improved performance, and as a result, your confidence increases, that’s because you are living in the present and trying to make the most of it rather than worrying about what might happen in the future.
More Energy
Worrying and stressing about future outcomes only takes away from your energy, considering you spend a lot of your time thinking instead of changing things that you can’t control. Imagine how much energy you will have when you’re just taking it day by day.
Increased Peace
When we let go, we’re no longer trapped in our thoughts and choose to ignore all those ‘what if’ scenarios that go on in our minds. Hence, our minds are free of worries. In fact, I once heard that if a thought starts with ‘what if’, it probably means you’re overthinking, so that’s one thing to keep in mind.
Inner peace comes when you choose to surrender to all your worries and just let them pass with no judgment, knowing full well that whatever comes your way is just another lesson for you to learn and grow.
Ability to Experience the Beautiful Things in Life
You can eventually live life to the fullest. Yes, uncertainty isn’t great all of the time, I get it but sometimes it brings on this adrenaline rush that can also be very exciting. Imagine this, you’re on vacation and you’re more spontaneous than ever. You go on that rollercoaster you’ve always wanted, you finally experience skydiving, and you try new cuisines (even though you got food poisoning the last time you tried different cuisines). Just picture how freeing this feels.
Develop the Skill to Forgive and Accept More
Forgiveness and acceptance are two qualities that we must work on to develop because they can be very challenging to obtain in some circumstances, hence why I said ‘skill’. If you already have them, you’re very powerful, good for you!
When we have difficulty forgiving, it’s usually because we’re holding a grudge against someone since they didn’t meet our expectations. Our desire for others to behave in a certain way can be hurtful, especially when we are dealing with loved ones. However, letting go of control helps you to accept that person despite having very different opinions. But, this does not mean that we should not set boundaries with them. I’m specifically referring to little things that we often let grow into big problems in our relationships.
5 Ways to Let Go of Control
With every change in life comes awareness. I mentioned at the start of the article that bad experiences and failures in life are inevitable and we will continue to experience them as we go. We have to acknowledge and accept that this is the case, no matter how hard we work to avoid them. After all, challenges are what make us grow.
Now that we have the acknowledgment needed to start letting go and we know how it can change our quality of life for the better, let’s get right into the methods.
5-Minute Rule
This method was inspired by Hal Elrod, I highly encourage you to read his story it makes you rethink life. So the 5-minute rule can be very beneficial in times of adversity. Whenever you go through an undesired outcome, take 5 minutes to grieve over it and then get up, breathe in, and tell yourself that you can’t change it. As simple as that.
Exercise: Change your lock screen to an image that says “Can’t Change it”. It can also be an affirmation, where every time you look at your phone, you read that and eventually start believing it.
Practice Acceptance
In my opinion, this is the main key to letting go of control. Acceptance means accepting your circumstances unconditionally. It’s easier said than done, but to me, this is a very powerful quality to have. We now know that life is full of obstacles so let’s accept life before it happens; take a second to think about that phrase.
To be completely honest, I find freedom in admitting that there are some things you cannot change, you can simply just let things be, again it’s easier said than done. In traffic and running late to work? I won’t try to change it by getting frustrated; I’ll simply enjoy the ride. This is acceptance. Remember ” Can’t Change It”.
Look for The Lesson
Everything happens for a reason and I know it’s cliché but it’s very true. There is a lesson in everything, which is something to keep in mind whether you’re facing challenges or even just simply passing by a stranger. For example, if a stranger opens the door for you, maybe that’s a sign for you to be kinder. Or, if you didn’t get the job you wanted, maybe you can start to learn patience through that. Believe that when one door closes, another window opens. No matter what though, don’t look at the closed door. Simply put, it’s always a good idea to look for the positives in every situation.
Personally, I’ve been anxious about upcoming changes in my life and how I’ll be able to manage my time. I am someone who genuinely dislikes change and prefers routines. But I now know better than to think that changes aren’t a part of life. So, I’m choosing to just believe that everything will work out for the best.
Focus on What You Can Control
This was by far the most helpful advice I’ve ever received. I never really considered it as a choice before, but when I did, it was the most liberating feeling ever. I don’t have to think about it anymore, I can just let it be. Notice though, what I’ve been talking about this whole time is the situations we genuinely CAN’T control, that doesn’t mean that we should just let everything be. Success needs time and effort after all.
So the key here is to ask yourself, what can I control in this situation? What are the actions and behaviors that I can take to achieve my goals? Most of the time, our actions, behaviors, and reactions are the things in our control. External factors, however, are the ones that are out of our control.
Control of Emotional State
This is related to the previous section. But it’s very important to note that we are in complete control of our emotional reactions. Ask yourself in an emotional situation, “What emotions will best serve me?” most of the time it’s gratitude and love. Look for the good things in that situation and be grateful for them. When your emotions are under control, you can then start making space for ideas to solve your situation rather than being consumed by rage and other strong emotions. Keep in mind that being angry and acting like the victim won’t do anything.
Conclusion
Let’s recap, we talked about how letting go of control can drastically improve your quality of life, help you develop inner peace, and start living your life to the fullest without any worries. Again, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t work towards our goals, because we are in control of our actions. However, we can always get caught up in trying to control events, it’s normal and this is how our brain works. But let’s try to take notice of that, and start saving up that energy for better and more productive things.
So, how was that? Please let me know in the comments if the 5-minute rule worked out for you. It can be challenging but I know you can do it. Maybe have your friends as accountability partners and share it with them if you found it helpful. I’ll always be here cheering you on!
Love it!!!