How to Set Boundaries-Without Offending Others

Do you often say yes to something you don’t want to commit to? Does that drain you? Trust me; you’re not alone, we’ve all been there. It’s good that you’re self-aware and ready to make changes that will help you live your life comfortably. What you’re struggling with here, is setting boundaries, but don’t worry by the end of this article you’ll know how to start building healthy boundaries and begin saying no.

Table of Contents

Importance of Boundaries

So, what are boundaries? I’m sure we’ve all heard of them, but not all of us know how beneficial they can be in our daily lives. Boundaries in self-growth are a form of self-care, you put them to protect yourself, your time, and your energy to feel comfortable. By setting limits you can avoid feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when others exceed your limits.

Boundaries aren’t just set with your relationships, they can also be established with intangibles like material possessions, or work. But in this article, I would like to focus on forming boundaries in our relationships with others.

Signs you have unhealthy boundaries (according to physiologists)

Knots in your stomach when you agree to do some things.
Anger and resentment towards others.
Deep feeling of dread.
Feeling shocked or appalled at something someone said.

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Misconception of Boundaries

I want to note that boundaries can sometimes be viewed by people as walls, where you don’t let people in and end up cutting anyone off whenever a small inconvenience occurs. However, we should always try to understand other people’s intentions and perceptions to remain fair. Think of boundaries like fences, not walls. These fences filter out anything that may seem uncomfortable and disrespectful to you while allowing good things in. Just keep in mind that everything in life is about giving and receiving.

Why we Don’t Set Boundaries

It’s very important for us to develop an understanding for why we hesitate to set boundaries. That’s because the first step to everlasting change is to develop awareness. So Let’s get right into it.

Fear of Offending Others

You might be wondering why it’s so hard for us, I included, to set boundaries. You guessed it! People pleasing. We’re so scared that we might offend people around us that we ignore how it makes us feel and how it’s more important for us to be feeling comfortable in our interactions. YOU come first.

Offending others, especially the ones we love, like family, is definitely not a good feeling, I won’t deny that. But think about it, would you rather live in constant disappointment just for others to not be offended? No, I don’t think so. I repeat, this is a form of self-care and we’re setting these boundaries because we love ourselves that much. Remember that people pleasing is a bad value, so you might as well get rid of it.

Fear of Missing Out

This is very common because a lot of us want to experience everything and that’s valid, I totally get you. However, saying ‘yes’ to everything leaves us without values and priorities which can sometimes make us feel as though we’re without purpose. As Mark Manson perfectly described it, in order to value X, we must reject non-X. For example, if I’m choosing to start a business, I sometimes have to give up going out with friends. To live a worthful life, we have to have one thing to focus on and work for. Saying ‘yes’ to everything will shift that focus to something meaningless.

I want to add that I am someone that finds it VERY hard to set boundaries and I am no saint, I also struggle to say no and am sometimes scared to offend others. However, I am getting better at it, and you can start making progress too! Maybe this is a way for us to inspire each other and start prioritizing ourselves.

You know you need to set boundaries, but how? Defining the “rules” of your relationships can liberate you from people-pleasing and overcommitting.

~Logan Hailey

How to Set Boundaries

Let’s get into it, now that we’ve learned the benefits of setting boundaries, it’s time to start taking action.

Consider How you Want to be Treated

The first step is knowing what your boundaries are so that you know what boundaries you’re setting. Well, how do you find out? Ask yourself these questions:

Side Note: You can answer a few of them and if you start to feel overwhelmed, you can always come back to them later.

When do I feel the most comfortable and safe?
When do I feel respected?
when do I feel disrespected?
Who or what gives me energy?
When do I feel exhausted and drained? What is that person doing?
Who is it that I hold grudges against because they consistently let me down? What specific actions lead to these feelings in me?
Am I prioritizing this over something more important? This is an example of setting a boundary for yourself and focusing on what’s more meaningful in the long term. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun but there are some situations where it’s important for you to do so, such as visiting a sick relative instead of partying with friends.

Start Saying No

This is very cliche, but it’s true. You’ll be one step ahead and over the awkwardness of the conversation once you learn how to say no. Saying no helps us prioritize ourselves and can even open up new possibilities for us that would not have been possible if we had said yes. It also makes us feel good afterward because we feel like we’ve achieved something we previously thought was difficult to do.

Challenge of the day: Say no to something you genuinely don’t want to do, whether that’s hanging out with friends, eating something you don’t like, or wanting to spend some time alone.

Communicate your Reasons Respectfully

When saying no, it would be nice to explain to the other side why you’re setting those boundaries. This can reduce the chances of them getting offended and make them want to be more understanding. Attitude is everything, it can either make the situation better or worse. Here are some of the steps you can follow:

Show understanding of their situation.
Explain why you don’t appreciate their behavior/ why you’re saying no.
Set the boundary.

Let’s use an example where you feel disrespected and are being yelled at by someone. As a solution, you could stop them and let them know that you don’t like being yelled at. Let them know, that unless they start respecting you, you won’t be engaging in that conversation.

Let’s take another scenario, imagine you planned a hangout with a friend and she showed up late. It happened a couple of times before and she hasn’t been respecting you enough to show up on time. This is when you can first acknowledge that she might have some things going on and show her understanding of that. Then, follow with how that’s making you feel. Lastly, let her know that she should be able to arrive on time if she wants to plan an outing with you again.

What if Others Get Offended?

It’s common for people to continue to feel offended and refuse to accept rejection. However, when you have politely expressed your needs and they continue to exceed those boundaries, it is a sign that they do not respect you enough to make you feel comfortable and that they probably shouldn’t be in your life. Your responsibility is to communicate your boundaries to others, and what follows next simply proves whether or not these people are worth spending time with.

This might seem scary, but allow me to let you in on something, when you go through a change in your life (in this case self-growth) you might lose people you thought were close to you. This isn’t a bad thing though, because this shows you who will be there for you, no matter what.

Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Setting boundaries in romantic relationships are the most challenging out of all other relationships because couples do everything together. The truth is that everyone needs a break, and couples also need a break from each other. Boundaries in relationships can be more sensitive. The key to setting boundaries here is clear communication, we should try sympathizing with the other person as much as we can, and again they should be able to understand and give you that space or whatever it is that you need.

In his book, the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, Mark Manson stated that the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship comes down to two things:

How well each person accepts responsibility.
The willingness of each person to both reject and be rejected by their partner. I want to point out, though that I’m talking about healthy rejections. Relationships are all about compromise, after all. If your partner asks you for a diamond ring but you cannot afford it, you might reject her and clarify why you are unable to get her one. This is an example of healthy rejection.

Receiving Rejection from others

It’s important to note that just as you would want others to accept your rejection and boundaries, you should also be able to accept theirs. Sometimes ego can play a role but take note of that and put yourself in their shoes. Take that rejection like a beast and go the extra mile by making the other person feel understood.

Conclusion

Let’s recap, boundaries are a form of self-care and self-love. It protects you from disappointment and resentment and allows you to take responsibility for your decisions. We discussed the steps on how to set boundaries, in addition to how effective it can be when communicated respectfully. Encouraging and accepting rejection in your relationships can open doors for vulnerability and trust, so it would be a great idea to develop it.

So, was that relatable? Will you take on the challenge I mentioned above? Let me know if you did and tell me how it felt in the comments. If you found this article helpful, share it with your friends and maybe start encouraging each other to set boundaries. I’ll always be here cheering you on!